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Writer's pictureBehaviour Mentor

Surrounded By Hugs


Hugs are complex actions. They can convey happiness and sadness. They can bring us great warmth and affection while at the same time reciprocating to others. This simple action can make a difficult moment just that bit more bearable. A hug releases the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin which is the reason it gives us such a feel-good effect.



In recent times I have found myself coming back time and time again to the importance of hugging. I understand that this is not something that everyone feels comfortable with but for a large number of people hugging friends and family is a need that is not being met due to social distancing.


Listening to Fearne Cotton on her podcast Happy Place I was struck by how she appeared to be bringing a virtual hug to her listeners. Her confident, understanding and sympathetic tone was creating a safe environment for her listeners as she talked with her guest about the difficult times they had been going through. I was curious as to how I could do this too.


The reality for us today in this time of a global pandemic is that we must keep our distance to avoid spreading the virus. Visiting with family and friends is restricted and this has made virtual hugs part of our “new normal”. Personally, I had never thought about hugging as being hugely important to me, but recently I met up with some old friends, one of them physically struggled not to run up and hug. The joy of seeing each other again was written all over their face but was so quickly replaced by the pained expression at the inability to hug. This reaction highlighted for me our need, as social animals for physical contact.


Another example came from one of my first-grade students. While coaching this student for the start of school after lockdown I was giving a heads up about changes to routines and daily schedules which could prove challenging when we returned to the classroom. The student stopped me suddenly to ask... "So, how are you going to cope with being back at school?" This question took me aback and I had to ask "What do you mean? How will I cope?”. “Well... You are going to hug me… and you can’t!” was the swift reply. At which point I had to admit to myself that this student was completely right. This raised a huge question for me. How was I going to adapt to this change in the situation and the subsequent need to change my approach? I would like to add that I work in an International school here in Switzerland where providing hugs to our younger students, when needed is a wholly accepted practice.


Often my response to challenging behaviour from a distressed young student is to get down to the student’s level and calmly try to make contact with them through physical contact which could be anything from a stroke on an arm or back, to a hug. So, my student was correct, here would be my struggle. As my intention is always to deescalate the situation and let the student know that I am there to listen and care for them. The hug operates as an action to convey that at that moment it is not necessary to talk. It is a time to breathe, compose ourselves and reach a state of calm.


It would seem that I need to adopt the approach of Fearne Cotton, using the tone of my voice to create the sense of a virtual hug. I will do my best while hoping at the same time for a return to normal times and the real thing.


If you have other suggestions for how we can “Hug” please take the time to share.




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